I'm Sick and Tired of Being Tired and Sick
AKA I wish I lived like a monk, but in order to do that I have to be that monk.
I'm 33 years old and I'm not getting any younger; my gynecologist told me a couple of years ago (the first time I met her, actually) that "Once you hit 30 you unlock your new routine sickness for life", and mine is digestion issues. Nothing surprising as I've always had anxiety-induced nausea ever since I was in elementary school1, at some point the whole system was bound to collapse. I don't eat especially bad so at least that's one less thing to worry about, but my recent blood tests have highlighted deficiencies connected to vitamins I am absolutely getting through food. Now, that's a bit concerning.
I've lived most of my life being told my issues were psychosomatic, to which I replied "Then what can we do to solve the core issue?" and you might guess what the answer was. Just stop feeling bad, no? You're too stressed. Stop being stressed. Fuck off!
Anyway, I'm not here to complain. I'm here to do what I like the most2: analyzing issues to plot a solution. I've also been conditioned by today's German lesson to think about all the healthy habits I exercise, the stuff that's in every textbook for every age at some point. Turns out I'm a master of "nots": I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't huh live a life of unrestrained vices. But I also don't get enough sun (as my vitamin D deficiency can attest), don't move enough (because "walk to the office" means walking a 2-rooms distance), don't drink enough water as well. This is not making me look good!
There are clearly a lot of things someone can do to live a healthier life, and we all know about it: "drink more water" is not rocket science. I'm not even tagging this as "tips" because it sounds just silly. I'm not even writing it as tips, I'm doing so because all the other posts I could've written today are too long, too demanding, too melancholic or too desperate.
Speaking of which, this is the 27th daily post I've written this month! That's also a habit, and it's one I swore to do because it was good for me. Lately, I've been doing a lot of things while feeling very numb as I kept telling myself "it's good for me", even (or especially) things that are supposed to be a pleasure. Unfortunately, it seems happiness is a muscle that needs to be kept trained. What a bummer!
I've been wondering what's stopping me from just waking up early in the morning, going to take a walk, do daily stretching regularly, have breakfast and take care of myself, and relaxing at night. Most of this stuff boils down to "I'm tired and I don't sleep well", so if sleep is an issue to you I think that should be your number one priority to get it fixed asap. But even then, it's weird; if I think about the reasons for being healthier or living better, it always comes back to "because otherwise it's a problem to others", or "because the opposite is a bother", and it's never "because I'd like to be better to begin with". It's very hard to say that without picturing myself as some sort of perfect happy monk, and I very well know that's nothing like me.
I think it's a lack of love. But loving is also a muscle that needs to be kept trained, and loving yourself and loving someone else use different muscles. I guess I'll just keep on trying.