How Long Do You Have To Be Proving Yourself?
I've previously mentioned Austin's Kleon's quote (which is on its own a conclusion brought out by Ann Packer's words): "Let go of the thing that you’re trying to be (the noun), and focus on the actual work you need to be doing (the verb)". Just do the art and forget about being an artist. But does that work?
In general: absolutely so. If you draw, you're an artist. If you run, you're a runner. The issue comes the other way around, when you focus on the noun (which is exactly what Kleon highlights): what if you don't run enough? Can you call yourself a runner? Who cares, you're running. This is the best part, because you really don't have to prove the noun applies to you. I'm doing the verb. Shush.
But what if I've been calling myself a runner for years? Let's say it's something that I've enjoyed a lot, have done on and off (I'm no professional after all), but now my legs can't be pushed to the same limits as back then, and I can't run anymore. Have I stopped being a runner? Technically. You're not doing the verb. You can't be the noun.
What if you're a world class soccer player? You've won prizes, given interviews, there's a children's hospital with your name on it. But now you're 80 and can't even kick a ball. Are you still a soccer player? You're not doing the verb. You've been a soccer player for so long, and a great one too. Prove you're still you.
So of course it's a matter of how long, right? If you've played tennis twice you're not a tennis player. If you've played for an arbitrary amount of time, yeah, you can call yourself a tennis player forever. Or maybe for a certain amount of time. Maybe it's all a mathematical formula: for every minute you spend doing the verb, you can call yourself the noun. Use your time wisely, and don't forget to refresh the timer by doing the verb again if you really care about it.
So, if you kill someone once, of course you're a murderer. But how long will that last? Ah, it's not the same as being a tennis player? A single tennis match lasts more than the time it takes to put a knife in someone's heart. Surely this is another noun that needs constant refreshing. Maybe you might start plotting increasingly more complicated murders, that take a long time to pull off, so that the "murdering" takes long enough to make the noun last.
Of course I'm joking, and these things are not even remotely comparable, just in case you were starting to believe the mathematical formula hypothesis not to be a load of bullshit. But there are a lot of "verbs" that, somehow, seem to make you a "noun" forever. You failed once, so now you're a failure. The verb will refresh on its own, because it depends on the noun. How convenient if art or running also worked like that!
How long are you going to be a bad friend if you mess up once? And how long are you going to be a good friend, if you don't constantly prove yourself? Logic would dictate these two values to be complementary, but I've honestly never seen them treated this way. People excused for yet another hurtful action because the noun trumps the verb, or others that failed to show up once so now they're labeled as the enemy; or even the other way around, for friends who will be always such even though you haven't heard them in years, or those who've done something that just changes the relationship forever.
Here's the thing: you decide if a noun applies to you, but you can't decide how others use it. And maybe the trick is just accepting that.