There’s Something At My Core That I Don’t Want To Die
If you had to point at your body where your self is located, where would you put your finger? Logic dictates on the brain, but is that where you feel it? Besides, research shows that reactivating a brain won't revive its former owner's conscience. I consider this question to be open enough to deserve a romantic, subjective answer.
A popular option is, of course, the heart. When the world around you is completely silent, if you listen closely you can still hear your heart beating. Besides the poetry of associating your self with the poster organ for feelings in general, it makes sense to equate its calm, constant thump to that of your own soul. I'd argue that your pulse is also felt pretty clearly in other places on your body: behind your ears, for example, or on your wrists. "My self is located right behind my ears" is, however, not a very evocative image. Although, you know that trick magicians do with a coin, when they pull one from behind your ear? Imagine they could do that with your soul. Now, that's way more interesting.
Wrists, on the other hand (ha!), lend themselves to a bit more in my opinion. Let's say you're a painter: your hands are a tool to channel what you have inside and make art out of it. Your wrist, your thumb, your arm, any part of it could be your soul's home. But what if you're a runner? Would it make sense to say your self is located in your feet, or in your calves? I think so. And this can be applied to anything! I did say the question deserves a romantic, subjective answer.
Now, how about the shape of it? If your core is right behind your ears (I didn't say it wasn't allowed), what's it in form of? A sphere? A coin? Or is it just the outlines of your ear. Does it have any colour, or is it clear? What's its consistency? The more you try to think of it as something tangible the harder it gets, but I don't think there's a need to reply to every question. Just asking them and seeing if there are any answers in this particular moment might bear unexpected fruits.
I said "you're a painter", "you're a runner", but few of us are one and one thing only. I believe I'm a pretty fixated person1 but even I wouldn't say "my core self is in the shape of a music note and located inside my ears". Actually, I don't think my core is set into place. I think it's a small ball of tangled, worn-out rubber bands of mismatched colours, and it bounces inside me uncontrollably like particles excited by electromagnetic radiation. I can feel it when I'm excited about something, when I'm terrified of anything else, or when I really, really think something is worth putting my whole self into2. It shows up in my right hand as it tenses up and trembles, on the left side of my neck, on my right thigh and my left foot as they all react to a burst of energy that my body isn't equipped to contain. Often, it hurts a lot.
"I am someone who's this and that" is, for me, pretty hard to say. Anyone who reads this blog with an ounce of inquisitiveness knows something's up with that.3 I know that I still am something, and that something has the form of a crazy bouncing radioactive ball. It sounds like one thousand people at once, some screaming, some singing, others imitating some bird's cry, some harmonizing a song together and others just completely fucking it up. It feels like something small but sturdy, a bit rough on the hands. It's warmer than you'd think. It's always there despite everything, and something's telling me I don't want it to die.